Tuesday, June 8, 2010

See, It's a Red Shirt! Because...Ha Ha!

Might-As-Well-Be Direct Quotes from Star Trek (2009)

Opening Voiceover: "Hey, look! It's Kirk's parents! Hey, look! It's young Kirk! See, we thought "Sabotage" would really demonstrate how--hey, look, young Spock! See, he's sad because--uh, hey, look! Older Kirk! And he's going to the Space Acad--oh. Hey, look, he's been there three years! Time travel, am I right?"

Captain Pike: "Kirk, you're an insolent, self-satisfied brat with daddy issues, and you're on academic probation! Oh, wait, you're Kirk? Well, then you must be second-in-command! And remember, all you have to do to become Captain is make Spock upset. 'Cause, you know, you're never impulsively emotional or anything. Kay, I'm off to be tortured!"

Greek Chorus: "Oh, man! Six billion Vulcans just died! Geez! Spock must be...upset! He is, right? Yeah, OK. He totally is. So what's Kirk up to?...oh, wait, EARTH is next?! But that's where the audience lives! Batten the hatches!"

J.J. Abrams, Caught on Tape: "See, now Spock has to choose between races! It's an agonizing moment, filled with all sorts of compelling questions about--oh, wait, one of those races is human? Well, that was easy! Now, I'm thinking Michael Richards to play Kahn in the sequel..."

Audience: "Ha ha, Scotty has a broccoli-Ewok!"

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